I spent an hour in bed. I scrolled animal videos, standup comedy shorts, makeup clips, and on.
Then I got up, and I decided to write.
I wondered, what kind of person do I want to be?
I prompted myself to respond, "I want to be a reader! A creator! A do-er!", and to condemn the unvirtuous: "I don't want to be a consumer! A stay-in-bedder! A nobody!".
But the reality is, I've experienced being a consumer many days in my 31 years of life. There is nothing inherently wrong with it. It's not irresponsible, immoral, or disgusting. My depiction of "good or bad" lives have been stripped of appearances. Laying on your bed, in pjs, swiping away on your phone: Nobody cares, and it's not hurting anyone, including yourself. The image of it doesn't matter.
There have been times in my life where I felt like wasting time was exactly what I wanted to do. I disrespected time. I guess I disrespected life. Any self-help person might think this sentiment is blasphemous, but how can something that naturally and honestly entered my mind without my desire be unique to me? I disrespected three, four hours. I disrespected the rest of a day. I repeatedly wished for the day to just end, even if it was 10 am. I've wished this many times in my life, probably more than a hundred. Wise people always say "cherish your time", especially in our youth, in this exciting age. But I experienced a reality where that sentiment was not the case. Is it rooted from a lack of courage, diligence, or positivity? A lack of drive or mentorship? Depression rooted in my childhood? Maybe. Either way, I experienced it enough to know that when you actually waste time (responsibly that is), there are no consequences. The world doesn't say a thing. It lets you be.
And time passes you by. I've been 29, then 30, and now 31 years old. I could try to shape my day using fear or hope of the future. "My god, I'm close to 35 which is old. What will I have done by then? Who will I be at age 40? At age 32?" On its flip side, I could use the hope-based carrot. "What could I do in three years? Where could I live? What could I have experienced?"
But only considering the future consequences has lead me down bad paths. Since I was a child, I've made a lot of sacrifices for the future. I didn't spend money. I made myself stuck to a chair for eight hours at a time studying throughout my teens and twenties. Those hours weren't beneficial because the things I was learning didn't align with my interests.
I think that I should live, not just for the benefit of future consequences, but for the enjoyment of the present.
The other night, I was sitting on the couch watching television. In the back of my mind, I noticed that my neck hurt, my head hurt, and I was tired. Yet, my body didn't move one inch to readjust. It's shocking how one trigger action can keep you somewhere for hours. The thing is, bad things feel 8 out of 10 for the first thirty seconds, and then drop down to 6/10 and 3/10 and -1/10 for the rest (ie junk food, tv on the couch, scrolling).
Good things feel -1 out of 10 for the first thirty seconds, and can stay steady at 8/10 for the rest of it (ie reading), or even reach 10/10 and then fall to -1/10 and then back up (ie running or working on something hard). It seems clear to me though, that better quality things feel better in the net.
Yet, I don't feel good living my life based on a rational cost-benefit analysis either.
Instead, I only ask myself to consider one thing: Ask and execute the question, "Is this really what I want to do?". Yes, I want my day to boil down to Shakespear's question: "To be, or not to be".
There's no objective good, or objective bad, and no one's watching.
Do I want to do it, or not?